Feelings kept secret (mostly)
by YanderePuppet
Summary: Cloud has a lot of feelings he keeps to himself... Though... Vincent is a good listener, and has wise insights. So sometimes, he confides.


A/N: small little one shot thing for fun. Kinda a bit like a collection of drabbles. Has not been proofread, so I apologize for any typos or mistakes made while writing.

I don't own anything

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Secreted away in the tent he stood alone. Completely alone…. except for the one person with him whom he felt he could share this with. He could tell, something was there between them. An understanding that went beyond words. Something that caused an immediate click when they'd met. Some concoction of sin and guilt and similar desires. So, if anyone could understand and not judge him, Cloud decided it would be Vincent. That's why they always shared the tent anymore. Because Vincent could understand when the nightmares became too much, and the weight of all the transgressions that day were too much. It'd been two days… and he'd been string for the others...but now, he didn't have to.

"I could've helped. I could've stopped it." He kept saying, even though deep down he knew. He knew that in the end, he'd been rendered powerless. There was _nothing_ he could've done to save her, but that scared him more than thinking her death was on his conscious, that he was partially responsible.

Vincent merely nodded. A look of "I know. I've been there as well." and that stoic face melted into understanding and friendship, and a softness he knew the former turk rarely allowed anyone to see from him. That was the foundation of their newfound trust in one another.

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"I wonder if maybe i was better off not knowing, because now that I remember…. I couldn't help him either." He whispered to the air above his head a week later. A gravelly grunting noise came as his response.

"Who's to say what's better or worse." That deep voice came, introspective and wise. Blue eyes met crimson. "Ignorance is bliss, but knowing is power. Knowing the truth might help you overcome the present." Typical of Vincent to be so philosophical without much time to think of a response, as if he'd been wondering for a while.

"I guess that is a possibility. I just…" *he looked down over the fields.."don't feel any different. Heavier maybe, like there's more weighing on my shoulders. More sins on the list." Blue eyes closed, voice choking on remorse. "And what's worse, I forgot the first friend I ever had. Forgot him and wore him like a mask."

"No one can blame you for that. You remember what _he_ said about absorbing the memories of those around you. I don't believe it was a conscious decision that you did that...merely… A case of traumatic amnesia that went even further than it was intended to. You wouldn't be here now if you hadn't."

"Maybe… that would be better. If I hadn't done any of this… any of those things that _he_ _ **made**_ me do." He shrugged. "Maybe it'd be better if I'd died five years ago. But that didn't happen, so I'm stuck trying to undo what's happened." He sighs. "It's the least I can do."

"I think… that's the least any of us can do." a blur of red, and the cape was around him as well. Like a security blanket. With a human in monster's skin inside. Cloud hummed.

"I wonder… if either of us deserve redemption." He sighed the words.

"Perhaps we'll learn to when this is all over." The reply came.

'Would be nice." the blonde said, as he drifted off to sleep.

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Sometimes, there were things he didn't want to share, even with the former Turk. Vincent was good at perceiving them anyway.

"Somethings on your mind. I won't force you, but if you need to get it off your chest, I won't judge, no matter how bad you think it is." The turk whispered. They were in the highwind that night, it was parked near Lucrecia's cave.

"It's one of those things I just don't want to say, because then it will seem more true." He said, voice catching. "And if I admit it's true, that's just one more reason to hate myself." Vincent merely nodded in reply.

" _ **Acceptance is the first step, isn't it?"**_ That loathed hated voice in his head whispered. He ignored it, for the first time. He was affected, but he could ignore the pain in his head, and the urge the _compulsion_ to go to the source. He scoffed at it instead.

 _Coming from someone who lied to keep me under control, I don't trust that._

" _ **But, whether you admit it or not, I know the truth. Part of you misses it, and you don't seem to care that it's merely weakened, not gone."**_

He didn't bother replying. That part of him didn't speak for the rest. He rested his fingers on the Buster sword, thinking of happier things, and drifted asleep, finally having dreams that weren't of fire and death.

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"It still doesn't feel like it's over." He said, a morning not long after they'd ended it, and the world had been saved. "I'm still thinking she'll come back like she promised, or that I'll hear him in my head again."

"A lot has happened." Was all Vincent said. And it made sense in a way, the words left hanging said that was all there was to it. A lot had happened, but it was over and life really seemed duller somehow. Dragging on, purposeless. He sighed again, falling back into the state of depression that used to come in episodes.

"I…. miss her. And him. All three of them, really. And they're all gone. Within a handful of months, three of the most important people in my life are gone." He confided. "And I honestly hoped….that maybe I wouldn't have to kill him. That maybe, he'd just stop being crazy and remember that he still had _someone_ who could've cared. But I think, he wanted the opposite from me." Cloud sighed, sitting down. "And the funny thing is, if he'd just asked and not tried to force me… I might've just…"

"I doubt you would've stayed long." Vincent told him. "While your morals are flexible, that doesn't mean they don't exist."

"I suppose you have a point. But, I just…. feel like maybe I don't want it to be over because of how he did it. I want to kill him again. Just to rub it in that he doesn't own me." he said, tracing patterns in the dirt. "But part of me wonders, because… I know he was...holding back…. why did he?" He didn't finish that thought, didn't want to. Vincent seemed to get what he was saying anyway,

"Why did he keep after you in the first place? He could've stopped after humiliating you, could've just ignored you, but he kept on. Maybe that's something you're better off not knowing the answer to." Vincent told him. Cloud thought perhaps he was right.

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Vincent wasn't here to confide in. The others had no clue where either of them were. He himself didn't know where Vincent was. All he knew was that he currently didn't mind the solitude all that much. Gave him space and time to brood, and he needed to. He couldn't find a cure for Denzel. Instead, he caught the disease himself. And it felt like the world was turning over on him. There was no cure. He was going to die before he could ever start to have a chance at redemption. At normalcy. And somehow, he could just feel the source behind the disease. A return of the itching sensation in the back of his head, the need to be somewhere...with _someone_. Someone who no longer existed. And he hated it. That voice taunting him in his dreams again, replacing his thoughts in moments of weakness. And he could do nothing. how was he supposed to help Denzel and the others now that he was compromised as well?

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Vincent still wasn't there. He'd seen him lately, had his life saved...but…. they'd parted ways. They had the same end goal, he just… needed time to think. He'd taken Marlene home, but had gone to the Church for a minute to calm himself.

That voice had grown strong lately. Like it had been just two years prior. Unbearably, overpoweringly persuasive and condescending. He hated it almost as much as that small twinge he felt.

" _ **You're still mine."**_ That voice taunted, certain, assuring him it was correct.

"Apparently I wasn't good enough anyway. You only want to hold it over me to fuel your own sadistic urges."

" _ **You sound quite bitter about that."**_ The voice purred. " _ **Angry that you've been replaced?"**_

"I...just…" He cursed mentally. He shouldn't be mad about it. But he was.

" _ **Lovely."**_ The voice all but cooed. He felt like fingers were tracing his face, like he could feel someone standing close enough to breath on his neck. " _ **Nothings changed. You crave my approval still."**_ The voice sounded pleased.

"Or for you to leave me the fuck alone." He growled back. He couldn't explain why he felt this….. _jealousy_ toward those stupid, worthless….

" _ **Mine."**_ The voice said again. A claim this time. " _ **Yes, still very much the same, you cannot bring yourself to stop wanting this."**_ He growled at it, angered that it kept talking. " _ **No matter. Soon, I can show you everything as it should be. Those three won't be around much longer. Does that make you happy? Knowing they're expendable?"**_

"Clearly i'm not any better." He scoffed back. "Since I'm dying too." That voice became a chuckle.

" _ **I won't let you go that easily."**_ It said. " _ **You won't be dying if I can help it. No, you will return to me by the end of today."**_

"Don't get your hopes up." He told it as he walked out.

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Vincent was back, for a while. between all the WRO missions, they rarely had time to communicate. And After Deepground, the gunman had disappeared for a few months. Now was the first time they'd spoken since. And for the most part, he was the one being confided in for once. Cloud honestly did not mind in the slightest. It had been a while since they'd spoken like this, anyway, and it was nice to have company he understood better for once.

"I… understand what you said before. About feeling lighter." Vincent told him. he nodded, because, it was nice, knowing that everything was alright, that they weren't blamed. And The both smiled, small, soft, quiet smiles, but smiles none the less.


End file.
